Isn't it weird how we stop talking to people? I find it so strange that there are people who I've grown up and gone through huge life-changing things with, who then move on and become other people, other versions of themselves. I've been thinking about this recently. As it's graduation season, I've seen photos of old friends with their cap and gown and I've been realising how estranged I have become from so many people- not in an unkind or deliberate way, but in a human, 'that's life' kind of way. It's made me explore the nature of human relationships and how we share experiences with one another. There are people who have been a part of my life, and I have been a part of theirs. The unsettling part for me has been seeing people who I knew at a certain stage of their life, who have grown up and entered into a new phase, without me being there. It's not a jealous or envious perspective. Rather, it's the realisation of the instability and frailty of human relationships. Does that make sense? It's realising that I may bump into a once close friend, person A, on the street, they will be with a new friend, person B, and when we catch up, person B will not know who I am and what I've been through with person A. It's an awkwardness, a discomfort. It's accepting that relationships are always fleeting. How do you know, how on earth are you supposed to determine that a friendship you have will last and continue?
I know that this is how life works. People forge relationships and some survive while others fizzle out.
I've realised as I've gotten older that most people around me have small groups of friends. I think, with age, everyone seems to have less tolerance for people who they aren't deeply connected to. It's one of the qualities I wish I had. While everyone seems to be cultivating long-lasting and intimate friendships, I've sort of kept myself behind. It's not because I think I'm better than that. It's simply because I'm uncapable of it. I don't know how to build that type of friendship with someone.
I know friends who message each other all the time and constantly throughout the day. I'm completely the opposite. The friends I have from school, I see rarely. I have a close friend who I haven't seen in probably a year. We may occasionally interact over twitter or send each other a brief Whatsapp message, but I don't keep in regular contact with her. I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate texting. If I get a message, I'll deliberately reply later instead of immediately, just so that the person doesn't think I'm free to keep a conversation going. Sometimes I will receive a message and I'll have the time to respond but I'll end up over-thinking the message and won't reply until the next day. It's so silly of me, I know, and yet that is who I am. I hate speaking to people by text or even having conversations on the phone. I always feel paranoid about people not being interested in what I have to say, and if that's not the issue then I feel anxious about when the appropriate time to end the conversation is. Recently, a good friend of mine (I have no best friends- not sure if that's a good thing anymore) called me up and she asked me if I was free to talk because she knew that I didn't like speaking on the phone. Surprisingly, that phone call didn't give me any anxiety. It was nice. It was a glimpse into a type of interaction that previously I shied away from. That being said, I don't think I could initiate a phone call myself. It would be so unlike me, my friends would think something had gone wrong. Also, I would be paranoid (see the theme here?) about whether or not they were speaking to me because they wanted to or they felt they had to.
I should mention here that a friend messaged me a minute or so ago, and I already felt myself getting nervous. I haven't looked at the message because I don't want to respond straight away. It's so silly. I don't know why I'm like this!
Anyway, I seem to have digressed. I was talking about long-lost friends/ acquaintances. What do you call them- people who you were once close with, who are now strangers? There should be a name for them.
I have many friends. I have groups of friends who I meet at random moments, every so often. I have a group of uni friends and work friends.
But I have yet to have a friend who I will text every day, see every week or tell everything too.
I'm not sure if that's normal or not.
But I think that may be why I'm blogging and not texting people back.
T
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