Last day of teaching...

So it was my final day today. I had P1 with year 10s and it wasn't terrible. They gave me a bunch of flowers at the end and a card which they had all signed. It was really sweet. My year 8s all told me sweet things before I left which was also nice. It was a good day.

I felt sick though throughout the day. It is always after the chaos that it hits. I feel like an avalanche of emotions is going to pummel me this summer.

In our group chat, someone said that we shouldn't underestimate what an amazing achievement this is and because I need to aim to be more kind to myself, I am trying to internalise this. I have achieved something great. In 9 months I have become a 'teacher' (although I don't actually get QTS for a month or two I think). Teaching is not for the faint-hearted. It is not a way out or an answer. It is hard work and you make the decision every day to carry on doing it. There are days when you can and days when you can't, days when you're numb and days when you're in between.

I have made it through. And that is no mean feat. Last September, I couldn't see me standing there at the front of a class and now I'm at the other side.

Hi-5 T!

You did it.

This is why we teach

I had my last lesson with my year 7s today. It was P6, after lunch. A lot of the girls were quite early and one of them walked in with her arms outstretched saying, "Misssssss". I stood there and I remember panicking, thinking "is she, oh crap, yeah, she's going to hug me". I stood there with my arms pinned to the side feeling incredibly awkward but also so moved and touched. A few of the other pupils hugged me too. As someone who doesn't instinctively hug, it really highlighted for me why I teach. It was a lovely moment. I know that they will forget me soon enough and I know that they'll move on, but in that moment where they realised that it was my last time teaching them, they were sincere in their sadness.

I have had a lot of tough lessons that I forget my good classes. I want to remember this. When times get hard T, remember that they're just kids. They are only ever kids.

They are complicated, troubled and messy but then so are you.

Today wasn't too bad.

A year ago...

This time a year ago, things were tough. I had submitted my essays on May 1st and what followed was doubt, disbelief and pain. I remember that the theory of affect and the line 'things fall apart' kept running through my head like a song; I thought about them constantly. 

There was this emptiness. Just so much emptiness. 

I know that I was privileged compared to other graduates; I had a destination. I knew where I was going. But I kept thinking about everything that could go wrong. I spent a lot of time wallowing and I didn't tell anyone. To this day, I don't think I have ever told anyone how truly painful those few months were from May-September. It is only third year. It isn't the be all and end all of life but it feels like it. It feels like the world is splitting apart and you are right at the heart of it. Knowing that I was going to start my PGCE course was hard because there was an immense build up in my head. I was absolutely terrified. Just so completely and utterly terrified.

Sitting here, a year later, I feel the same. Slightly different, but the same. If I am kind to myself, if I could find a way to be a cheerleader for myself, I would say that I a proud. I am almost at the end of my second placement. 25th May and I am done. I have my assignment but other than that my last lesson will be Wednesday P3. I cannot wait. 

I have managed to get through the year and even though I am still anxious and worried, I have come so far and I need to cheerlead for myself because no one else is going to do it for me. 

That's what sucks. I hate that I do myself the injustice of not telling anyone how I feel. I bottle it up and instead of releasing the hurt, I contain it until late at night when no one will be able to see or hear my stifled sobbing. It's pathetic really.

Note to self: if you had a bucket list the top of the list would read "find a best friend - someone who you can hug and cry to".

Note to self 2: this time last year you discovered your left for The West Wing. See, when things fall apart, sometimes there are crevices of joy.

Note to self 3: you won't see the year 10s again after 9:30 Wednesday morning. You can survive them.

Note to self 4: you are enough. Internalise this. You are enough. You will find what you are looking for. But I hope, more than that, you realise that you never actually needed it.

x

T

Dear future me,

Today, a student teacher said to you, "you make me smile, I like you! You're cute". This made you happy because you know that she genuinely meant it. But then it made you think, it made me think, am I going to be this person forever-- the cute, awkward one. I am awkward-- it's not just a hippy, bookish trait which I have appropriated-- there is a real awkwardness in my behaviour sometimes. That being said, I am always the first one to mention it and bring it up in conversation; I think it's because I don't want to be the kooky person who doesn't realise that they're kooky. In that moment today, I was pleased but I am sad now. I wonder when that time will end where I am constantly worrying. I wonder when I will not care as much anymore. It just feels heavy on my shoulders all the time. I am scared that I am going to be the person everyone mothers; what kind of a life is that?

I suspect that it comes down to age. The only problem with that is I am getting older and I'm not feeling it. I drove myself to school for the first time this week, and that made me feel like an adult for about five minutes. I wish there was a button. Beep and you're an adult. Enter phase 1. I'd pay, if that was an option. Alas, I am resigned to my fate. It sucks.

Maybe I'm holding on to my fears too tightly; I anticipate the worst and reminisce over the past constantly. This cannot be good for my mental health. Again, I know that this is an issue but I am not doing anything about it. Why am I not fixing it? And why am I writing to you-- to me -- when I could be fixing it? It's a vicious cycle.

The long and short of it, I suppose, is that I am confused about adulthood (like every other human on this planet. I am not under any illusions; I know that I am one of the masses in this instance). Pupils see me as an adult but I'm not as convinced and I worry that they will realise this and decide that I am not worth respecting.

Sidenote; I've been reading Sarah Kay's poetry collection "No matter the wreckage" and her poetry is honestly beautiful. I love it. I might do a review of it in the future.

Laptop thoughts..

It is 11:43 PM. I am sitting on bed, typing on my laptop in darkness. A bright white light beams from the power button on my printer at the other end of the room. Shadows of my open door sit at the top of the stairs, leading down into the rest of the house where almost everyone else is sleeping. I received an important email today. This evening. Life-changing, in a way. I'm pretty sure that in the months to come I shall want to remember this moment. Or perhaps I won't. That's the problem with time. It is always leaving. I won't know until the time comes. 

When I first saw the email, part of me was relieved. It was something I was sort of waiting for, in the back of my mind. I wasn't panicking about it but it was something that I imagine I would panic about later down the line. The second emotion was definitely fear. I attended a lecture this week on adolescence. One of the things which stood out to me was when the speaker mentioned that teenagers and young adults can be fearful of failure, which we'd sort of expect, but they can also be fearful of success. The speaker also mentioned that adolescence is a period that is lengthening-- some people don't move on from adolescence until their mid-twenties. That leaves me in the space of adolescence. It's weird because the lecture was pitched at new teachers understanding their pupils and their experiences of being adolescents. For me, though, I realised that I am still very much making that transition. Getting that email made me feel fear because it was a great sign of great things to come. But that's a terrifying concept, especially for someone who doesn't feel at all prepared for it emotionally or psychologically. I feel like I am the adolescent the speaker was talking about. Fearful of success and in the middle of making a transition from one stage of life to another. 

Why is it that when we are young we want to grow up and when we grow up we want to be young? Why can we never be in the moment? I don't know how to be an adult. I don't know how to feel about being one and I don't know how to move into that space? What does an adult sound like? What does an adult do? What will I lose?

What hurts the most is that I am happy about the email, but I am too focused on failing. I don't know how to stop myself from feeling like I am going to fail. I don't know how to accept the happiness and embrace it. I am worried that I will be lulling myself into a false sense of security. Perhaps I am preparing myself for failure. Perhaps experiencing is believing and I'm still in the stage of disbelief. 

I mentioned in a previous post that being a PGCE students requires cheerleading on one's behalf. 

Here goes:

I can do it.

I can do it.

I've already done it.

I will do it again.

I can do it.

And if I can't, it's okay. 

The centre will hold.

Possible Pastures New...

A few months ago, I was having a hard time. Sometimes, I still feel like I am back there- in that space where things fall apart and the centre cannot hold.

I have a job now. Well, a job for September. Isn't that strange? One moment I'm terrified because life is moving too quickly and I don't know what to do with it, and the next I'm accepting a job offer. I feel weird, uncomfortable. Not because I'm not happy with the decision but because I feel like I am getting closer and closer to adulthood. I don't like it. It terrifies me. I'm worried that I won't be worthy of the role of a teacher. I know that this is a silly train of thought but it chugs along all the time, gathering steam and rattling along the paths of my brain. What do I do if I'm rubbish at it?

I cried today- tears of happiness. I haven't done that in a long time. It tends to be tears due to existential crises (I'm not saying that to be hipster, I'm being serious). I read the card that the staff in the department gave to me and I was genuinely moved. Usually, I accept cards and put them away but this one, I pored over a few times. I have put it next to my bed, a reminder that there are people there to support me. It's easy to think that when you're training, you're alone. But I have been so fortunate to have kind, lovely people who have helped me when I have thought that I am failing. When I had that horrible class last week, my mentor and another teacher both sat me down and talked through what steps I could take to improve. I couldn't think of a way in which they could have been more supportive than they were. I will miss them all.

Now, I have to start it all over again, in a month, at a new school.

*sighs inwardly*

Today was a hard day.

I think I had my worst ever lesson today.

It was the period after lunch and the class was just crazy. I feel like I did so many things wrong. I was firm but for some reason it wasn't enough.

It was a rubbish lesson and I felt like all the students who were well-behaved were cheated out of a good lesson. That's the hardest part. How do you manage an entire class when they are all at different places in their learning???????

I kept a few students back but part of me feels like I should have sent some of the students out. I entertained the nonsense for too long. I should have nipped it in the bud. There were points in the lesson where they were definitely running rings around me.

I felt deflated and slightly angry afterwards. This was mostly because I had engaged in futile conversations with the kids and it became a silly 'I didn't do it', 'yes you did' scenario. I get worried sometimes and think that I can't do it.

And what if I can't?

What is left?

I didn't realise that I would have to be my own cheerleader when I began my PGCE. Now that I am nearing the end of my first placement, that's what I feel like I am having to do- cheer for myself.

It sucks. 

Progress? Perhaps...

I think I made progress today. I'm not sure but I think I did. There were small moments. I spoke to more people today. I felt myself less tense and more relaxed. Normally, I get anxious and worry when I talk to other teachers. Today I felt that less. It's a nice feeling. I spoke to a teacher today about working in a department and how this makes all the difference when you're working in a school.

I've come to realise that this is definitely the case. I can't imagine working in a place where I didn't have support from other teachers. My anxiety is always present but it has never overwhelmed me; good teachers are a reason for this.

Anyway, I just wanted to document that. I'm always worrying so it's nice to be moving forward for once!

Surviving and not surviving the first term.

One of the things about the PGCE course is that it goes by slowly. Every moment seems to be protracted. And yet time whizzes past. I have completed an entire term at my first placement. Already. I can still remember walking into reception the first day. I remember the nerves. The anxiety. The awkwardness. I still feel those feelings now.

But something changes.

Everyone around me is being offered a job. How did we get here? How did we arrive at this strange place? I want to get to the end. Reach the finish line. I want to get through this year in one piece. I don't want to think about the future.
I want to be selfish.
I want to be a child.
I want to be unrealistic.
I don't want to face reality.
The thought of applying for a job terrifies me.

It's hard to explain, but it's not just the teaching part that scares me.

It's the department meetings, team briefings and other x, y, z meetings
It's being a part of an entire staff of teachers.
It's having a form class and being responsible for them.
It's teaching GCSE students and having an impact on their future careers and job prospects.
It's having to liaise with others on a daily basis.

It's being a part of a large group of people and not knowing where to fit in. It's the feeling of really wanting to be the best possible version of myself but always second-guessing myself.

I know it sounds silly. I feel like this is a given by now. I only ever seem to write when I am at odds with something (most of the time I am at odds with something or another).

This year is more than just me learning about teaching. I feel like this year I need to develop my confidence. I need to become everything that I have the potential to become. I need to stop belittling myself.

Of course, that is easier said than done.

December blues and other worried colours

So it's December. 

There's one more week until the end of term. 

My previous update on my PGCE was almost a month ago, when I first began teaching. I began with starters and small activities. I have since taught whole hour lessons. 

It's been hard and, well, just insert any synonym for difficult here.

I have noticed a few things:

I am constantly pretending. 

Constantly pretending. 

And I don't mean that in the sense that I feel like I have lost myself or that I am pretending to be someone else. It's more nuanced than that. I'm realising more and more that I have to feign confidence in order to have confidence. A teacher told me this week that I seem to be sharper and more direct in tone but I don't feel different. I still feel nervous. I still feel anxious. I am always worried. And I still feel inadequate. I suppose the hard part is that even when it may seem like I have had a good lesson, it never feels like it. So I find it hard to tell if I've made progress. This is a wider issue I have. You would expect compliments and positive feedback to gear me up a notch, encourage me. Instead, I feel like I am still trying to convince myself.

How does one do that? How do I convince myself?

Another issue I have is the planning and the understanding of teaching as a profession. As much as I love uni, in the real world, as a teacher, I need to prepare kids for GCSEs. That is an enormous responsibility. I'm terrified that I won't be able to give pupils what they deserve. There is so much to consider in the planning of a lesson that I worry that I am merely going through the motions and that once I am on my own, I won't be able to do it. I am absolutely terrified about being a member of staff and having to interact with so many teacher on a day to day basis. I am good at pretending that I am confident but I hate feeling anxious all the time, especially in staff rooms. I still feel out of place sometimes.

It's like I am a muggle, entering Hogwarts for the first time. I am excited and I know that I could fit in. I know that I do fit in. I have been invited. I got the letter. I went to buy my books. I have a pet owl. I have the robes.

But I don't have the language. 

There are places in the castle that other people know about.

I always forget the password to the common room.

I feel weird when sitting in the Great Hall. I talk to lots of people but I don't have my Ron, Harry or Hermione. 

I am adrift. 

If I was advising someone else I would say, 

               "Don't worry. You will learn about secret places in the castles. You will find a Hermione.                      She will help you with your exams. You will get better at remembering the passwords."

but life sucks and like most people, I ignore my own advice.

It's silly to worry, I know. But I am constantly second guessing myself. 

We shall see how I feel in January.

x

T

Dipping my toes in-

For the past month or so, I have been hovering around the back of various classes. These are the classes which I will eventually be taking over. So far, however, I have been mainly observing and walking around the classroom. 

This week, I ventured to the front of the class for the first time. 

Classrooms are strange spaces. There are so many dynamics to it. I didn't notice until I began my placement how many different spaces there are in one classroom. There's the back and the front of the class but there's the space amongst the students also. Sitting at the back feels the most safest. Walking around the class, speaking to kids at different tables is slightly more difficult, but it still feels relatively safe. Moving to the front of the class, however, is a whole other kettle of fish. It's a scary place. It's terrifying. This is the space where all eyes are on you. This is the space which theoretically is mine- MY space. 

It doesn't feel that way though. I taught for only 10/15 minutes at the beginning of a lesson but I felt exhausted afterwards. And numb. I felt so numb. As if I wasn't actually there when I was teaching. Like an out of body experience. I couldn't remember anything about my part of the lesson after I was done. I immediately tried to rid myself of the memory. But I know this is stupid. Rationally, I know that it wasn't terrible. But I still lack so much confidence. 

Each day is a challenge for me. I consider often, the possibility of leaving the course. Of giving up. I know I can't give up. I know that I need to keep going. But I can't imagine the end right now. It feels like it won't happen. Like I won't get there. So I tell myself to not think that far ahead. To take it all one step at a time. One day at a time. One lesson at a time.

So, I have dipped my toes into murky waters... We shall see how I fare...

Beginnings and worries and fears and anxieties and..... I don't know if I can do it.

I have tried to write this post so many times.

Here goes- 

I've started my PGCE course. 

I've been at uni for a few weeks and now I'm starting my first placement. I'm absolutely terrified. TERRIFIED. 

I keep going through these highs and lows. At first my brain tells me I'll be fine. That I can do it. But then I picture myself standing in front of a class and I just have this image of water passing through my fingers and the kids not listening to me. Then my brain shuts itself down and I retreat. A bit like how a hedgehog turns back into itself. And then my rational self tells me that I'll have to confront the fear. 

I have these constant thoughts about quitting. I keep saying that I don't need to put myself through this. I tell myself that it'll be ok. But every time I think this, it gets slightly better. 

Of course, the moments are fleeting. Uni has become a haven. A safe place. The tutors are like a warm, comforting blanket on a cold day. I had two days at my new school and went back to uni feeling panicked. Being around the others in my group, however, made me feel less scared and more hopeful. Sitting here now though, the fear is creeping back. 

People always talk about how hard this year is. I'm seeing it already. The hard bit for me is trying to identify if I can do it. Can I do it? 

I'm worried about the teaching element. I'm nervous about having to find a place in a school where I'm the 'new' one. I have to navigate the staff room and other places in the school where I'm not already someone who belongs. In general, I'm having to create spaces for myself and assert myself. This isn't something that I'm used to. In fact, it goes against my entire being. It freaks me out.

The hardest part is deep down I know I can do it. I know that I could be a good teacher. But that's not enough. Knowing it isn't enough. I have to learn how to be a great teacher. I have to figure out how to manage a class so that I can teach. 

In summary:

Level of hope-           1%

Level of fear-          99%