First week of teaching

Well, I survived my first official week of teaching. I say survived but I had a mini breakdown last night.

I don't know if that's related to being back at school, being triggered by a memory or merely because I was due to start my period. Incidentally, I have started my period...

In truth, I think it was a combo of all three.

I always keep things locked up but being back at school doesn't really leave time enough for me to cry. I'm not someone who can cry openly in front of people. If that happens, it means I have been caught off-guard. Last night I felt crap and started crying. But once I started I couldn't stop. It was one of those moments where everything raced through my mind. I started to remember stupid things which don't matter but for some reason in that moment they meant the world. I don't understand how people voice their "stuff"* out loud.

In my self-diagnosis (not telling people your "stuff", it becomes inevitable for you to become your own therapist; not necessarily how therapy should work I don't think) I have realised that my inability to tell people things means that I grow impatient with people who can, which is wrong. I have become so independent in taking care of myself in specific ways that when I see other people complain of their "stuff" I am uncomfortable about it. The truth is that I am the problem.

You should be able to unleash your "stuff" with the people you love. Otherwise what are they for. I think that I am a coward for not doing this. And yet knowing that I am coward is not enough for me to even admit on this blog what "stuff" is happening at the moment.

Yesterday, I watched "Take this waltz" and one of the characters said:

"I remember when my niece, Toni, was a newborn, I'd babysit her and sometimes she'd cry, like babies do. Nine times out of ten I could solve the problem, I could figure it out, but...sometimes when I'm walking along the street and a shaft of sunlight falls in a certain way across the pavement and I just want to cry. And a second later, it's over. And I decide, because I'm an adult, to not succumb to the momentary melancholy and I had that sometimes with Toni. She just had a moment like that. A moment of not knowing how, or why, and she just let herself go into it. And there was nothing anyone could do to make it any better -- it was just her, and the fact of being alive, colliding."

I feel the same way. I will be on the train or I'll be walking and I'll see something in the window and I will feel like I just need to cry. Today I was walking somewhere and a few leaves feel from the tree I had just walked under. Isn't that just so utterly and intrinsically poetic. There is something so beautiful about trees shedding their leaves. And they float so gently to the ground. Maybe that's just me being soppy. Or maybe it's the shedding. Maybe that's what I envy the most. (self-diagnosing again?)

Until next time,

T

x



*"stuff" being a reference to everything that plagues our mind/heart

Dear future me,

Today, a student teacher said to you, "you make me smile, I like you! You're cute". This made you happy because you know that she genuinely meant it. But then it made you think, it made me think, am I going to be this person forever-- the cute, awkward one. I am awkward-- it's not just a hippy, bookish trait which I have appropriated-- there is a real awkwardness in my behaviour sometimes. That being said, I am always the first one to mention it and bring it up in conversation; I think it's because I don't want to be the kooky person who doesn't realise that they're kooky. In that moment today, I was pleased but I am sad now. I wonder when that time will end where I am constantly worrying. I wonder when I will not care as much anymore. It just feels heavy on my shoulders all the time. I am scared that I am going to be the person everyone mothers; what kind of a life is that?

I suspect that it comes down to age. The only problem with that is I am getting older and I'm not feeling it. I drove myself to school for the first time this week, and that made me feel like an adult for about five minutes. I wish there was a button. Beep and you're an adult. Enter phase 1. I'd pay, if that was an option. Alas, I am resigned to my fate. It sucks.

Maybe I'm holding on to my fears too tightly; I anticipate the worst and reminisce over the past constantly. This cannot be good for my mental health. Again, I know that this is an issue but I am not doing anything about it. Why am I not fixing it? And why am I writing to you-- to me -- when I could be fixing it? It's a vicious cycle.

The long and short of it, I suppose, is that I am confused about adulthood (like every other human on this planet. I am not under any illusions; I know that I am one of the masses in this instance). Pupils see me as an adult but I'm not as convinced and I worry that they will realise this and decide that I am not worth respecting.

Sidenote; I've been reading Sarah Kay's poetry collection "No matter the wreckage" and her poetry is honestly beautiful. I love it. I might do a review of it in the future.

Laptop thoughts..

It is 11:43 PM. I am sitting on bed, typing on my laptop in darkness. A bright white light beams from the power button on my printer at the other end of the room. Shadows of my open door sit at the top of the stairs, leading down into the rest of the house where almost everyone else is sleeping. I received an important email today. This evening. Life-changing, in a way. I'm pretty sure that in the months to come I shall want to remember this moment. Or perhaps I won't. That's the problem with time. It is always leaving. I won't know until the time comes. 

When I first saw the email, part of me was relieved. It was something I was sort of waiting for, in the back of my mind. I wasn't panicking about it but it was something that I imagine I would panic about later down the line. The second emotion was definitely fear. I attended a lecture this week on adolescence. One of the things which stood out to me was when the speaker mentioned that teenagers and young adults can be fearful of failure, which we'd sort of expect, but they can also be fearful of success. The speaker also mentioned that adolescence is a period that is lengthening-- some people don't move on from adolescence until their mid-twenties. That leaves me in the space of adolescence. It's weird because the lecture was pitched at new teachers understanding their pupils and their experiences of being adolescents. For me, though, I realised that I am still very much making that transition. Getting that email made me feel fear because it was a great sign of great things to come. But that's a terrifying concept, especially for someone who doesn't feel at all prepared for it emotionally or psychologically. I feel like I am the adolescent the speaker was talking about. Fearful of success and in the middle of making a transition from one stage of life to another. 

Why is it that when we are young we want to grow up and when we grow up we want to be young? Why can we never be in the moment? I don't know how to be an adult. I don't know how to feel about being one and I don't know how to move into that space? What does an adult sound like? What does an adult do? What will I lose?

What hurts the most is that I am happy about the email, but I am too focused on failing. I don't know how to stop myself from feeling like I am going to fail. I don't know how to accept the happiness and embrace it. I am worried that I will be lulling myself into a false sense of security. Perhaps I am preparing myself for failure. Perhaps experiencing is believing and I'm still in the stage of disbelief. 

I mentioned in a previous post that being a PGCE students requires cheerleading on one's behalf. 

Here goes:

I can do it.

I can do it.

I've already done it.

I will do it again.

I can do it.

And if I can't, it's okay. 

The centre will hold.

Possible Pastures New...

A few months ago, I was having a hard time. Sometimes, I still feel like I am back there- in that space where things fall apart and the centre cannot hold.

I have a job now. Well, a job for September. Isn't that strange? One moment I'm terrified because life is moving too quickly and I don't know what to do with it, and the next I'm accepting a job offer. I feel weird, uncomfortable. Not because I'm not happy with the decision but because I feel like I am getting closer and closer to adulthood. I don't like it. It terrifies me. I'm worried that I won't be worthy of the role of a teacher. I know that this is a silly train of thought but it chugs along all the time, gathering steam and rattling along the paths of my brain. What do I do if I'm rubbish at it?

I cried today- tears of happiness. I haven't done that in a long time. It tends to be tears due to existential crises (I'm not saying that to be hipster, I'm being serious). I read the card that the staff in the department gave to me and I was genuinely moved. Usually, I accept cards and put them away but this one, I pored over a few times. I have put it next to my bed, a reminder that there are people there to support me. It's easy to think that when you're training, you're alone. But I have been so fortunate to have kind, lovely people who have helped me when I have thought that I am failing. When I had that horrible class last week, my mentor and another teacher both sat me down and talked through what steps I could take to improve. I couldn't think of a way in which they could have been more supportive than they were. I will miss them all.

Now, I have to start it all over again, in a month, at a new school.

*sighs inwardly*

Today was a hard day.

I think I had my worst ever lesson today.

It was the period after lunch and the class was just crazy. I feel like I did so many things wrong. I was firm but for some reason it wasn't enough.

It was a rubbish lesson and I felt like all the students who were well-behaved were cheated out of a good lesson. That's the hardest part. How do you manage an entire class when they are all at different places in their learning???????

I kept a few students back but part of me feels like I should have sent some of the students out. I entertained the nonsense for too long. I should have nipped it in the bud. There were points in the lesson where they were definitely running rings around me.

I felt deflated and slightly angry afterwards. This was mostly because I had engaged in futile conversations with the kids and it became a silly 'I didn't do it', 'yes you did' scenario. I get worried sometimes and think that I can't do it.

And what if I can't?

What is left?

I didn't realise that I would have to be my own cheerleader when I began my PGCE. Now that I am nearing the end of my first placement, that's what I feel like I am having to do- cheer for myself.

It sucks. 

Progress? Perhaps...

I think I made progress today. I'm not sure but I think I did. There were small moments. I spoke to more people today. I felt myself less tense and more relaxed. Normally, I get anxious and worry when I talk to other teachers. Today I felt that less. It's a nice feeling. I spoke to a teacher today about working in a department and how this makes all the difference when you're working in a school.

I've come to realise that this is definitely the case. I can't imagine working in a place where I didn't have support from other teachers. My anxiety is always present but it has never overwhelmed me; good teachers are a reason for this.

Anyway, I just wanted to document that. I'm always worrying so it's nice to be moving forward for once!