Ctrl-Shift-N

After years of wondering,

I found you in the secrecy

of the incognito tab.

Your twitter feed 

offers only distant echoes of you-

I can't conjure you up from

140 characters.

Believe me, I have tried.

It only hides the sound of a voice
which I can't remember.

16

You said "sorry"

as if I would be able to rebuild myself with a 

word.

7 years later and still when you apologise for something 

I remember.

I am all at once a trembling mess.

All at once remembering the many things that I 

never said.

And I never will.

You will never know the fear of hearing ghosts

screaming like banshees

only to discover it is your father

hunched over

wailing.

How do I tell you that I prayed for you every night?

That I worried every night?

That sleep was the balm that let me forget you.

That every waking minute I lived in fear of the pain

that you caused me.

And how do I tell you these things
now?

After all this time, how do I tell you that time or 

one word 

is not enough

to rebuild someone you 

ripped apart.

I know you didn't mean to.

If you did, it wouldn't hurt this much.

Liminal spaces

There are moments when we are talking
when a bridge opens up between us

and I almost step onto it-

I can feel the firm concrete and the relief
but I always back away

the waters are too choppy and
deep.
I'd drown and I am not good at
the forward crawl.

I am back stroking
through cloudy water and
clinging oil.

The bridge offers emulsion

but

I always step back,.

Golden

When we met
I was ten.

You were a
relative stranger.

Big, bubbly and bright

You were wearing a royal blue tunic.

I remember there being sparkles but

memories lie.

You bought gold coins.

It was your way in.

It worked.

You were golden 

and treasured

just like them.

You were new to us but we

were people you already knew.

I don't remember the second or third or fourth time we met.

There was no need-

we fell in love with you instantly.

Big, bubbly, bright and in royal blue, 

you made promises

which you didn't always keep.

Nearly 12 years later

I look back on that day. 

Big, bubbly, bright and in royal blue, 

you bought our love.

We loved you so much.

You loved us back.

With heart, soul and kindness.

But you are careless. 

You don't always do right by us.

We are blindsided by you.

We wear blue-tinted glasses.

It took us time
but we started to scratch
at the blue.

We found shards of light 

but swathes of blue

lingered.

Nearly 12 years later

I am taking the glasses off.

It hurts because you are

big

bubbly

bright

but halah-

you make us blue.

Journal. Entry 1.

Isn't it weird how we stop talking to people? I find it so strange that there are people who I've grown up and gone through huge life-changing things with, who then move on and become other people, other versions of themselves. I've been thinking about this recently. As it's graduation season, I've seen photos of old friends with their cap and gown and I've been realising how estranged I have become from so many people- not in an unkind or deliberate way, but in a human, 'that's life' kind of way. It's made me explore the nature of human relationships and how we share experiences with one another. There are people who have been a part of my life, and I have been a part of theirs. The unsettling part for me has been seeing people who I knew at a certain stage of their life, who have grown up and entered into a new phase, without me being there. It's not a jealous or envious perspective. Rather, it's the realisation of the instability and frailty of human relationships. Does that make sense? It's realising that I may bump into a once close friend, person A, on the street, they will be with a new friend, person B, and when we catch up, person B will not know who I am and what I've been through with person A. It's an awkwardness, a discomfort. It's accepting that relationships are always fleeting. How do you know, how on earth are you supposed to determine that a friendship you have will last and continue?

I know that this is how life works. People forge relationships and some survive while others fizzle out. 

I've realised as I've gotten older that most people around me have small groups of friends. I think, with age, everyone seems to have less tolerance for people who they aren't deeply connected to. It's one of the qualities I wish I had. While everyone seems to be cultivating long-lasting and intimate friendships, I've sort of kept myself behind. It's not because I think I'm better than that. It's simply because I'm uncapable of it. I don't know how to build that type of friendship with someone. 

I know friends who message each other all the time and constantly throughout the day. I'm completely the opposite. The friends I have from school, I see rarely. I have a close friend who I haven't seen in probably a year. We may occasionally interact over twitter or send each other a brief Whatsapp message, but I don't keep in regular contact with her. I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate texting. If I get a message, I'll deliberately reply later instead of immediately, just so that the person doesn't think I'm free to keep a conversation going. Sometimes I will receive a message and I'll have the time to respond but I'll end up over-thinking the message and won't reply until the next day. It's so silly of me, I know, and yet that is who I am. I hate speaking to people by text or even having conversations on the phone. I always feel paranoid about people not being interested in what I have to say, and if that's not the issue then I feel anxious about when the appropriate time to end the conversation is. Recently, a good friend of mine (I have no best friends- not sure if that's a good thing anymore) called me up and she asked me if I was free to talk because she knew that I didn't like speaking on the phone. Surprisingly, that phone call didn't give me any anxiety. It was nice. It was a glimpse into a type of interaction that previously I shied away from. That being said, I don't think I could initiate a phone call myself. It would be so unlike me, my friends would think something had gone wrong. Also, I would be paranoid (see the theme here?) about whether or not they were speaking to me because they wanted to or they felt they had to.

I should mention here that a friend messaged me a minute or so ago, and I already felt myself getting nervous. I haven't looked at the message because I don't want to respond straight away. It's so silly. I don't know why I'm like this! 

Anyway, I seem to have digressed. I was talking about long-lost friends/ acquaintances. What do you call them- people who you were once close with, who are now strangers? There should be a name for them. 

I have many friends. I have groups of friends who I meet at random moments, every so often. I have a group of uni friends and work friends. 

But I have yet to have a friend who I will text every day, see every week or tell everything too. 

I'm not sure if that's normal or not. 

But I think that may be why I'm blogging and not texting people back. 

T