Progress? Perhaps...

I think I made progress today. I'm not sure but I think I did. There were small moments. I spoke to more people today. I felt myself less tense and more relaxed. Normally, I get anxious and worry when I talk to other teachers. Today I felt that less. It's a nice feeling. I spoke to a teacher today about working in a department and how this makes all the difference when you're working in a school.

I've come to realise that this is definitely the case. I can't imagine working in a place where I didn't have support from other teachers. My anxiety is always present but it has never overwhelmed me; good teachers are a reason for this.

Anyway, I just wanted to document that. I'm always worrying so it's nice to be moving forward for once!

New Year (maybe I'll do them) Resolutions.

PRAY MORE.
I would like to spend more time doing my prayers and improving the quality of them.

READ MORE.
I would like to read at least 1 book a month.

DISCOVER/GET OUT MORE
Make new discoveries. Read more poetry. Watch a Shakespeare play in the theatre. Try to see Djokovic play tennis.

WRITE MORE
Write. Write. Write.

READ THE NEWS MORE
Stay up-to-date with the news. Be more aware of politics.




do more

Bedside table

You are a mess.

A copy of the 'The complete plain words' is buried-
At the bottom of a pile. A distant memory of a person I want to be but-
I am not that person.

You wear paper everywhere but there are 2 pink post-it notes
which always make me smile.
'Wake me up. Time. 7:58 am. on Friday 18th Dec'.
'Remember its non uniform on Friday 18th December'.
A nudge from a little brother who worries like his older sister.

I saw them too late. You should have told me.

You hide my bank statements, and letters from friends.
My address book which is getting full of addresses
Of people I don't speak to much anymore.

Receipts and old student ID cards.
Invalid student oyster.
Passport.
A deodorant I never use.
Pins and pens and pencils.
Bottle of water.
Lamp.
Glasses case.

Books on top of books.
A copy of  'Slouching towards Bethlehem'. 
Tucked away.

You are a mess.
We are a mess.

Things fall apart;
The centre is trying to hold.

Miscommunication and Missed communication

When I tell you everything

I am telling you nothing



When I tell you nothing

That is telling you something



everything is nothing

nothing is something



what is everything anyway?

'the' 16 questions

1. What is stopping you?
2. How do you feel right now?
3. What book have you read that you hated and everyone else loved?
4. Have you ever run out of toilet roll? If so, what did you do?
5. If you were given the best news of your life right now, who would you tell first?
6. Who do you pretend to like and why?
7. Why did you do that thing that you don't want people to know about?
8. Where do you go to cry?
9. How often do you avoid questions?
10. Do you know how to avoid questions?
11. What is the last thing you lied about?
12. What do you never tell people?
13. Why?
14. What do you not trust yourself with?
15. Who is your best friend?
16. Where is your favourite place?

10 things I know to be true

1.
People are capable of change

but they aren't always willing to.

2.

The past, whether good, bad or neutral is always best left where it once was......The past is never ever ever easy to leave where it once was.

Ever.

3.

Some of us have to try more than others.

Some of us 'can' more than others.

4.
Changing yourself for the better is the one of the hardest things to do.

5.
I am never enough for myself.

6.
The future can sometimes seem full of something better. But sometimes 'better' is in the now.

7.
People are good. We are all good. Once we lose belief in that we lose everything that is important.

8.
Being able to argue with someone is the best way of knowing that you have a friend for life.

9.
Austen is the bestest bestest bestest.

10.
Imaan fluctuates. Such is life. We can always be better. Don't lose heart.

Surviving and not surviving the first term.

One of the things about the PGCE course is that it goes by slowly. Every moment seems to be protracted. And yet time whizzes past. I have completed an entire term at my first placement. Already. I can still remember walking into reception the first day. I remember the nerves. The anxiety. The awkwardness. I still feel those feelings now.

But something changes.

Everyone around me is being offered a job. How did we get here? How did we arrive at this strange place? I want to get to the end. Reach the finish line. I want to get through this year in one piece. I don't want to think about the future.
I want to be selfish.
I want to be a child.
I want to be unrealistic.
I don't want to face reality.
The thought of applying for a job terrifies me.

It's hard to explain, but it's not just the teaching part that scares me.

It's the department meetings, team briefings and other x, y, z meetings
It's being a part of an entire staff of teachers.
It's having a form class and being responsible for them.
It's teaching GCSE students and having an impact on their future careers and job prospects.
It's having to liaise with others on a daily basis.

It's being a part of a large group of people and not knowing where to fit in. It's the feeling of really wanting to be the best possible version of myself but always second-guessing myself.

I know it sounds silly. I feel like this is a given by now. I only ever seem to write when I am at odds with something (most of the time I am at odds with something or another).

This year is more than just me learning about teaching. I feel like this year I need to develop my confidence. I need to become everything that I have the potential to become. I need to stop belittling myself.

Of course, that is easier said than done.