Golden

When we met
I was ten.

You were a
relative stranger.

Big, bubbly and bright

You were wearing a royal blue tunic.

I remember there being sparkles but

memories lie.

You bought gold coins.

It was your way in.

It worked.

You were golden 

and treasured

just like them.

You were new to us but we

were people you already knew.

I don't remember the second or third or fourth time we met.

There was no need-

we fell in love with you instantly.

Big, bubbly, bright and in royal blue, 

you made promises

which you didn't always keep.

Nearly 12 years later

I look back on that day. 

Big, bubbly, bright and in royal blue, 

you bought our love.

We loved you so much.

You loved us back.

With heart, soul and kindness.

But you are careless. 

You don't always do right by us.

We are blindsided by you.

We wear blue-tinted glasses.

It took us time
but we started to scratch
at the blue.

We found shards of light 

but swathes of blue

lingered.

Nearly 12 years later

I am taking the glasses off.

It hurts because you are

big

bubbly

bright

but halah-

you make us blue.

Cosmos

I'm not quite sure if I am trying to find you
to forget you
to remember you
or to be indifferent.

It's been so long that I cannot tell the difference.

If I was brave I would tell you-

I make too many comparisons.
I am scared of admitting what I really want.
I am hiding from the world and from myself and
no one is the better for it.

If I was brave I would tell me-

You are not real anymore.
People move on.

We are planets.

Orbiting around each other
Some of us stay close together
And some of us were only meant to be
passing by.

The stranger things

1.

I have conversations with myself. Regularly. 

I imagine you up 

my stranger. 

I place you like a counter on a board game 

into moments 

which just like you

don't quite exist

2.

I walk past litter only to

walk back.

The guilt is like gravity-

rustling crisp packets and lonely branches 

pull me

back.

3.
I write poetry down
then erase it

I am scared

4.
I don't like talking on the phone-
always worried that I won't know
what to say
how to say it
when to hang up

so I don't call people
and people never call me
and I am left

hung up

5.
I cry often.
at unlikely times
in public places.
walking to school
in the staff room
on the train

So I look up

To catch the tears
and dull the pain

6.
I refuse hugs.
always

but really

most of the time
a good hug

is all I need

Heavy

In the mirror I see me

Her eyes carry bags
drowning with the
weight
of unshed tears

I ask her for a way out

but

we refuse.

Growing up is...

• realising that it has happened while you weren't looking, whatever it is...
• lying down, sprawled on your prayer mat when you've finished praying and feeling too tired to sob your heart out (true story)
• hearing conversations between your family about 'suitors' and realising that you're not in school anymore- the distant reality has arrived.
• getting a 'proper' job and realising that you're going to be getting a salary (say whaaaaaaat!)
• driving (this is a big deal for me) to work with your tote bag in the back
• taking out your younger brother into the city then having to accept the fact that he trusts you- with his life.... don't lose him- literally
• seeing old friends and having to accept that so much time has passed that you need to re-introduce yourself (alternatively, you can walk away and pretend you actually don't know them)
• having to actually think about what day/time you can meet people because EVERYONE IS BUSY
• feeling sad a lot of the time
• achieving independence, maturity, perspective... and it feeling underwhelming and overwhelming all at once
• not feeling happy but not feeling unhappy either- and not being able to understand what happiness would look like for you
• people having conversations with you about things which you feel too young to hear about
• having to take it day by day because it hurts too much but at the same time planning ahead because apparently that is life
• having an address book including people from years ago and people who you don't talk to anymore
• realising that you are that new generation adults used to talk about
• crying, crying and crying

I need a hug-

- but I am not a hugging person.

The last few days have been strange; a close relative of mine is staying with us because of personal issues, my cousin had her mehndi yesterday where her sister-in-law unleashed her marriage and family burdens on me, the same cousin's wedding is tomorrow, I start work tomorrow and I am back at school on Monday. It's a lot. But at the same time I'm not a victim in any of this. I am okay. It's just that there are a lot of thoughts going on in my head. To get it all out I'm going to bleurghhhhh it here:

• The process of moving house is strangely ceremonial; the act of packing things into boxes is bizarre. Surely, your life should be bigger than the boxes it fits inside. Alas, life exists beyond the material things and I have realised that when the boxes are packed, that's when you see your life as it really is- I suppose it returns to being in a state of affect.
• Marriage is delicate, precarious and fragile glass that cracks no matter how softly you tread on it. 
• I'm nervous about going back to school. There are people who I'm scared of seeing.
• My puzzle hasn't gone well this half-term. I wanted to have finished it. I haven't.
• I am annoyed all the time with people I care about but I can't (or won't) tell them. Things said can never be unsaid. 
• I am stuck in a loop of too many conversations with too many people who are all living in my head. 
• I visited the 'Artist and Empire' exhibition at the Tate Britain today with a friend. 
• Hands. Just, hands.