Possible Pastures New...

A few months ago, I was having a hard time. Sometimes, I still feel like I am back there- in that space where things fall apart and the centre cannot hold.

I have a job now. Well, a job for September. Isn't that strange? One moment I'm terrified because life is moving too quickly and I don't know what to do with it, and the next I'm accepting a job offer. I feel weird, uncomfortable. Not because I'm not happy with the decision but because I feel like I am getting closer and closer to adulthood. I don't like it. It terrifies me. I'm worried that I won't be worthy of the role of a teacher. I know that this is a silly train of thought but it chugs along all the time, gathering steam and rattling along the paths of my brain. What do I do if I'm rubbish at it?

I cried today- tears of happiness. I haven't done that in a long time. It tends to be tears due to existential crises (I'm not saying that to be hipster, I'm being serious). I read the card that the staff in the department gave to me and I was genuinely moved. Usually, I accept cards and put them away but this one, I pored over a few times. I have put it next to my bed, a reminder that there are people there to support me. It's easy to think that when you're training, you're alone. But I have been so fortunate to have kind, lovely people who have helped me when I have thought that I am failing. When I had that horrible class last week, my mentor and another teacher both sat me down and talked through what steps I could take to improve. I couldn't think of a way in which they could have been more supportive than they were. I will miss them all.

Now, I have to start it all over again, in a month, at a new school.

*sighs inwardly*

Today was a hard day.

I think I had my worst ever lesson today.

It was the period after lunch and the class was just crazy. I feel like I did so many things wrong. I was firm but for some reason it wasn't enough.

It was a rubbish lesson and I felt like all the students who were well-behaved were cheated out of a good lesson. That's the hardest part. How do you manage an entire class when they are all at different places in their learning???????

I kept a few students back but part of me feels like I should have sent some of the students out. I entertained the nonsense for too long. I should have nipped it in the bud. There were points in the lesson where they were definitely running rings around me.

I felt deflated and slightly angry afterwards. This was mostly because I had engaged in futile conversations with the kids and it became a silly 'I didn't do it', 'yes you did' scenario. I get worried sometimes and think that I can't do it.

And what if I can't?

What is left?

I didn't realise that I would have to be my own cheerleader when I began my PGCE. Now that I am nearing the end of my first placement, that's what I feel like I am having to do- cheer for myself.

It sucks. 

Progress? Perhaps...

I think I made progress today. I'm not sure but I think I did. There were small moments. I spoke to more people today. I felt myself less tense and more relaxed. Normally, I get anxious and worry when I talk to other teachers. Today I felt that less. It's a nice feeling. I spoke to a teacher today about working in a department and how this makes all the difference when you're working in a school.

I've come to realise that this is definitely the case. I can't imagine working in a place where I didn't have support from other teachers. My anxiety is always present but it has never overwhelmed me; good teachers are a reason for this.

Anyway, I just wanted to document that. I'm always worrying so it's nice to be moving forward for once!

New Year (maybe I'll do them) Resolutions.

PRAY MORE.
I would like to spend more time doing my prayers and improving the quality of them.

READ MORE.
I would like to read at least 1 book a month.

DISCOVER/GET OUT MORE
Make new discoveries. Read more poetry. Watch a Shakespeare play in the theatre. Try to see Djokovic play tennis.

WRITE MORE
Write. Write. Write.

READ THE NEWS MORE
Stay up-to-date with the news. Be more aware of politics.




do more