This post is not groundbreaking. It will not reveal anything the internet has not encountered before. But I have been thinking these things for a while and writing this all somewhere feels necessary somehow.
That was a very long-winded way of saying university has ended. It is cliche, so utterly cliche that I am going to say that third year is (was- I must use the past tense now) hard. I knew going into this year that it was my last year of university. I spoke to a tutor at the beginning of the year about the fact that the first semester was sort of tough, knowing in my head that this was something everyone was whining about. I sat there telling her that third year was harder than I thought it would be- which was true in a way, because I can generally rationalise things and recognise that if things are a bit difficult it's because I am procrastinating and not doing the work; the work is not necessarily difficult in itself. But despite saying all this to her, I sat there exasperated with myself. I felt this feeling of stupidity because I was just another twenty-something in her last year of uni, talking about how it was 'slightly difficult'.
I'm not sure if that all makes sense.
Essentially, I knew of the cliche, I had watched the cliche unravel before me, amongst friends of mine who graduated last year. I knew and expected that this year I would encounter the cliche. But I think deep down I thought it would be an external encounter. I didn't think it'd be an internal encounter, a personal one. I didn't think it would affect me. I never realised that I would become privy to this cliche, that I would hop on that train to loony town. It's a confusing and momentous time all at once. You feel like you're moving on and moving backward which only stops you from moving at all.
I never expected it.
Truly.
But then I experienced my first all-nighter. I think that's when I knew. I don't do all-nighters. I don't pretend to be amazing at organising myself, but I am good at getting things done. When I know there's a deadline, I make sure I meet it. But this time, something changed. I had things done, but it felt different. I entered the cliche. I jumped on the train to loony town. I stayed awake all night finishing my essays and watched the sky change from night to day outside the attic window. I heard the gentle breathing (and violent snoring) of my family fill the house as I typed frantically and hopelessly. When embarking on an all-nighter, darkness surrounds you. Literally and metaphorically. It's all dark and foggy. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually, when I finished the essay, I remember being too tired to even cry. That's when third year hit me.
Now I'm getting emails about booking graduation and buying tickets and hiring gowns. There are emails about possible internships and jobs in companies x, y and z. There are emails about post-graduate courses and random-I-didn't-know-they-existed courses. Then there are emails that I should definitely be paying attention to, about preparing for my PGCE course next year. But I've just finished my degree- I'm not ready to prepare just yet. Then there are emails about things running out- like library memberships.
Everything is running out.
And there are just too many emails.
This is (was) third year. It (is) was hard. I knew third year was supposed to be hard but I didn't know it would be hard for me. It sounds arrogant, as if I think I am above it all. It's true. I was arrogant. I misunderstood. I was wrong.
Third year sucked.
It's a cliche for a reason.
x
T.
I'm not sure if that all makes sense.
Essentially, I knew of the cliche, I had watched the cliche unravel before me, amongst friends of mine who graduated last year. I knew and expected that this year I would encounter the cliche. But I think deep down I thought it would be an external encounter. I didn't think it'd be an internal encounter, a personal one. I didn't think it would affect me. I never realised that I would become privy to this cliche, that I would hop on that train to loony town. It's a confusing and momentous time all at once. You feel like you're moving on and moving backward which only stops you from moving at all.
I never expected it.
Truly.
But then I experienced my first all-nighter. I think that's when I knew. I don't do all-nighters. I don't pretend to be amazing at organising myself, but I am good at getting things done. When I know there's a deadline, I make sure I meet it. But this time, something changed. I had things done, but it felt different. I entered the cliche. I jumped on the train to loony town. I stayed awake all night finishing my essays and watched the sky change from night to day outside the attic window. I heard the gentle breathing (and violent snoring) of my family fill the house as I typed frantically and hopelessly. When embarking on an all-nighter, darkness surrounds you. Literally and metaphorically. It's all dark and foggy. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually, when I finished the essay, I remember being too tired to even cry. That's when third year hit me.
Now I'm getting emails about booking graduation and buying tickets and hiring gowns. There are emails about possible internships and jobs in companies x, y and z. There are emails about post-graduate courses and random-I-didn't-know-they-existed courses. Then there are emails that I should definitely be paying attention to, about preparing for my PGCE course next year. But I've just finished my degree- I'm not ready to prepare just yet. Then there are emails about things running out- like library memberships.
Everything is running out.
And there are just too many emails.
This is (was) third year. It (is) was hard. I knew third year was supposed to be hard but I didn't know it would be hard for me. It sounds arrogant, as if I think I am above it all. It's true. I was arrogant. I misunderstood. I was wrong.
Third year sucked.
It's a cliche for a reason.
x
T.
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