I learned to take each day as it came not because each day was precious, but because the alternative was painful; looking ahead meant facing pain in the future too - the pain in the present was enough.
When I was fifteen, I tried my hardest to tell myself things would get better. They did. Mostly.
There would be times when my thoughts would stumble into wondering about the future. I wondered, will things change and will it stop upsetting me?
Years later, I am reminded of Larkin's poem- although I personally would switch 'parents' for 'family', in the poem.
We learn the hurt when we are young. Life numbs the pain but also remembers and re-remembers it. It doesn't ever leave us. We think it does but it creeps up like a shadow. Like an email you thought you deleted. A text you thought you didn't send. The door you left open by accident.
Today, I remember that 15 year old girl. I want to tell her that she was right; it gets better. I am better.
But I don't want to tell her that now, the pain she feels is different. It's another shadow that creeps behind; another email she thought she'd deleted; another text; another door.
Another, another, another.
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