A few months ago, I was having a hard time. Sometimes, I still feel like I am back there- in that space where things fall apart and the centre cannot hold.
I have a job now. Well, a job for September. Isn't that strange? One moment I'm terrified because life is moving too quickly and I don't know what to do with it, and the next I'm accepting a job offer. I feel weird, uncomfortable. Not because I'm not happy with the decision but because I feel like I am getting closer and closer to adulthood. I don't like it. It terrifies me. I'm worried that I won't be worthy of the role of a teacher. I know that this is a silly train of thought but it chugs along all the time, gathering steam and rattling along the paths of my brain. What do I do if I'm rubbish at it?
I cried today- tears of happiness. I haven't done that in a long time. It tends to be tears due to existential crises (I'm not saying that to be hipster, I'm being serious). I read the card that the staff in the department gave to me and I was genuinely moved. Usually, I accept cards and put them away but this one, I pored over a few times. I have put it next to my bed, a reminder that there are people there to support me. It's easy to think that when you're training, you're alone. But I have been so fortunate to have kind, lovely people who have helped me when I have thought that I am failing. When I had that horrible class last week, my mentor and another teacher both sat me down and talked through what steps I could take to improve. I couldn't think of a way in which they could have been more supportive than they were. I will miss them all.
Now, I have to start it all over again, in a month, at a new school.
*sighs inwardly*
I have a job now. Well, a job for September. Isn't that strange? One moment I'm terrified because life is moving too quickly and I don't know what to do with it, and the next I'm accepting a job offer. I feel weird, uncomfortable. Not because I'm not happy with the decision but because I feel like I am getting closer and closer to adulthood. I don't like it. It terrifies me. I'm worried that I won't be worthy of the role of a teacher. I know that this is a silly train of thought but it chugs along all the time, gathering steam and rattling along the paths of my brain. What do I do if I'm rubbish at it?
I cried today- tears of happiness. I haven't done that in a long time. It tends to be tears due to existential crises (I'm not saying that to be hipster, I'm being serious). I read the card that the staff in the department gave to me and I was genuinely moved. Usually, I accept cards and put them away but this one, I pored over a few times. I have put it next to my bed, a reminder that there are people there to support me. It's easy to think that when you're training, you're alone. But I have been so fortunate to have kind, lovely people who have helped me when I have thought that I am failing. When I had that horrible class last week, my mentor and another teacher both sat me down and talked through what steps I could take to improve. I couldn't think of a way in which they could have been more supportive than they were. I will miss them all.
Now, I have to start it all over again, in a month, at a new school.
*sighs inwardly*
No comments:
Post a Comment